This.

So yesterday I adopted a puppy!

Toby (or Tobey, Tobie, TobyChad).

Blue Heeler/Lab, 9 weeks.

Scars

I counted 'em again and got 12. Those are cancer/surgery related. Those don't include dog bite scars. Crazy! I went from never even having to get stitches to being queen of the medical scene (finding things humorous tonight). The lat flap incision is usually positioned so that the scar can be covered. Well, after reconstruction in going to get a dress or swim suit that shows it off. I'll just tell people it was an incident with a shark.😁

Bored, just hanging out with my drip

Trying to be more positive once again. Now that the horrible hospital experience is over. 😁

Tempted to hop a flight today...

Love these! They amuse me.

Infusion

My instruction card. Saline, Antibiotic, Saline, Heparin. 

Fluids are dripping. Takes about an hour.

Horses and an electric fence

I went to a Father's Day get together yesterday. There were dogs, barn cats, horses. Even though I'm slightly afraid of horses I did take jeans and shoes in case I wanted to ride. I petted the horses, talked to the horses, let the horses nuzzle my head, went into riding arena but didn't ride. 🐥  My niece rode and scared the crap out of me when she brought the horse over close to me. I could just imagine the hoofs landing on my flipflopped feet. One time I backed up and felt a "pinch" on the back of my leg. Oh yeah, the fence is electrified. It just surprised me more than anything.

Good day! Even when I was asked where my infection is (in front of the group of people).  Ha ha! Took a deep breath "Well, I have an infected tissue expander..."

My IV supplies

I even have a collapsible pole:

Come on Get Happy

http://youtu.be/NvgzNEPhYQA

Now, I have that song in my head.

I have been bummed that I won't be able to do stuff this summer. Then I was thinking that I can still do most things. No swimming. Nothing that will rip out my PICC line. But I can still ride my bike, hike, camp, kayak (shhh...don't tell doc), road trips, etc.

Success

I gave myself the Tobramycin tonight. It's pretty easy. Connect tubing to IV bag; wipe off port with alcohol pad; inject saline into PICC; wiped off port; connect to IV & turn flow dial to 100. It drips in over an hour. When it's done I disconnect; wipe port & flush with heparin. I can travel with it as long as the Tobramycin stays refrigerated.
My fingers didn't feel as swollen tonight so maybe that was from all the fluids they gave me in the hospital.
I'm still tired from the week. How do they expect people to get better when they are not allowed to sleep? You hear your named called & uncover your head to hear a nurse say I have to draw blood and give you your heparin...at 5:30AM!👊

Feel so alone without Mia

I have caring people all around me but I feel so alone without my girl. She always stood by me & took care of me. Together we lived in five different places in two states. She had three jobs before she retired. All of her best buddies crossed the Rainbow Bridge before her. She was the last of the gang. Who will share pretzels & Goldfish crackers with me in the middle of the night? Who will follow me like a shadow? Who will be happy to see me when I come home, even if I just went out to the mailbox? Who will "surf" the back seat in the dog mobile?

I know this will get easier but right now I'm having such a hard time. I wish I could see her one more time. I wish I knew that she's ok. When I have physical pain I can take meds for it. There is nothing that helps ease this pain.

Funny!

Waiting, waiting, waiting for discharge. Mom & I decided to walk down to the waiting room area for tea. I got some ice water also. Back in the room I put the straw in and then realized...

We laughed so hard! I just can't catch a break!😄

Home care nurse

Since I have to give myself the IV antibiotic for 4 months a home care nurse came out tonight to instruct me. She brought my supplies: IV pole, tubing for the IV bags, alcohol wipes, syringes of saline, syringes if heparin (for the line not my tummy), supplies for the nurses to draw blood, sharps container. I think I'll be ok doing it. Just keep things sterile & give the meds at the same time every day. The nurse will come out twice a week to draw blood to keep an eye on my kidney values. Tobramycin can cause kidney problems & hearing problems.

Hopefully at the end of the 4 months we can continue with reconstruction...maybe.

I have to wrap the PICC dressing in Saran Wrap to take showers. Ugh!

Covering for PICC

Heparin bruises

Some nurses are good at giving the heparin injections & others aren't but they always bruise.

Finally home!

They let me out this afternoon. What an ordeal!

Glad to be home but started crying as soon as I walked in the front door & The Black Dog wasn't there. Her bed, her toys, her food, her collar. Then we left to pick up her ashes and I looked over to say "Be back, Black" and cried again. I always said that to her when I left. It seems so weird to me that I could forget that she's gone but she was by my side for 14 years. She used to follow me all over the house, even towards the end when she wasn't feeling well. It's still hard to breathe. I didn't cry lie this when I was diagnosed.

Continuing saga...

So...the nurse from discharge came in a few minutes ago & I told her that the doc didn't order the labs for last night. She said "What the f...?"

She HEARD the doc on the phone arranging everything. She's checking with the doc whom she said is going to "hit the roof!"

I just wanna go home.

Still on IV fluids (normal saline nothing added). Still peeing every 1/2 hour.

Trying for a banana again today. That's like a game now😕

Not bad! 😊

Frustrated & ANGRY!

So...I had to stay another night so my blood could be drawn 1 hr before & after my Tobramycin dose. Didn't happen. Apparently the doc didn't put in the order. I could be home. In my own bed. With my cats!!!😡

Yesterday's breakfast

Mmm...

Dinner:

They don't use seasoning in the hospital.😄

Doppler ultrasound

I had an ultrasound done on my right arm to make sure there are no blood clots. I told the doc that my fingers were swollen the past 2 nights after my Tobramycin. I guess all is good since I haven't heard anything. I almost started laughing during the US! The tech had the sound on during parts of it and I could hear my blood going thru the vessels. Woowoowoo and other sounds. I was so close to cracking up!😄

BP machine says my BP is high. It's usually normal. I think it's because they are taking it low on my arm. I feel ok.

Hospitalist

Ok, he was nicer yesterday and even smiled today. He's ok. I'm just scarred for life because if that other one. I hear the word "hospitalist" and I get nervous.

Still in hospital

I was all set to go home today until the doc came in this morning. I have to stay one more night. They have to adjust my Tobramycin dose. They'll draw blood 30 min. before and 1 hour after tonight's dose. 😞

PICC

Heparin shots & the hospitalist (from 6/16/15)

They have been giving me those hep shots in my abdomen. Oh how I hate that! I want to go home!

I might be getting the PICC line later today...or tomorrow. No one seems to know exactly what is going on! It took forever for them to get my Effexor dose from the pharmacy. I'm not allowed to take my own meds even though they are right here in my backpack. Ridiculous!

I was awake until 3am & finally did take one of my own Ativan pills since they didn't bother to give it to me even after they asked about my medications.

Then there's the hospitalist. Why are they so rude???? "When was your mastectomy?" Stated in a way that sounds accusing. Like how dare you do that! Wanted to know how long I've been seeing infectious disease doctor. Um, two weeks. Ugh!

Goodnight, Honey

So very sad. Worst day ever! I said goodbye to my best friend, the best dog in the land. There is a big gaping hole inside me & I can't breathe...

Now, I'm at the hospital waiting for people to figure out what's going on with my antibiotics. The nurses seem to think I have an active infection. Got my port accessed without numbing spray. OW! 

Eulogy From a Physicist

You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got. And at one point you'd hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever. And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives. And you'll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they'll be comforted to know your energy's still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you're just less orderly. Amen. -Aaron Freeman.

Crying

My heart is breaking. My beloved Mia is in kidney failure and has gotten weaker since we saw the vet on Friday. I know it's time to say goodbye but then she looks at me and I remember the first look when she was 4 months old. How can she not be in my life? What will I do without her?
It's been a tough 10 days. A cousin committed suicide. My mom's best friend was told her cancer was back. My aunt had to have surgery on her colon & they aren't sure what's wrong. And Mia.
Mia has been with me through good & bad. She never judged. She loves me no matter what. I'm typing this as l listen to her breathe. She's all tucked into bed & has had so many goodnight kisses.
I am so lucky! So many people loved her but I'm the one she chose to spend this life with.
The next post is going to be Aaron Freeman's Eulogy from a Physicist. People may not agree with it. It gives me comfort. I may have posted it before.

Snoopy

Into the hospital on Monday

Insurance approved the treatment to infectious dz specialist recommended. I go to the hospital on Mon. for a PICC line (not sure what that is) and IV antibiotics. Then I think I go home with some sort of IV pump. At least I get to go to the hospital nearest to my house instead of that monstrosity downtown. I will have been in all 3 major hospitals in the city after this admission.

Two words

Two words that I don't like: journey & survivor.
People talk about their "cancer journey" and I will never refer to this experience as a journey. It's a "thing". It's an " experience". It's when my life went "off track". It's sometimes " ridiculous ". Not a journey.
I will consider myself a survivor when I live to be 112 and die of old age.

I've been anxious and irritable lately. Can't stand to be around groups of people. I need to get out an exercise more. I think I need an exercise partner to keep me motivated.😎

Hair

Overheard a woman saying that she was afraid to go to a certain salon because she worried that they'd mess up her hair (or something like that, not her exact words). I'm standing there knowing that she is probably appalled by my shaggy, self-trimmed hair. Well, guess what lady? I've been bald! Now that's a bad hair day!!👊😸

From Purple Clover

http://www.purpleclover.com/relationships/3572-scuse-me-while-i-kiss-guy/

Scan results

CT looks good: bones show no evidence of malignancy; no significant abnormality.

Bone scan:

WHEW!!!!!!!!!

No scan results yet

This is what bone metastases look like:

http://www.ijnm.in/articles/2012/27/2/images/IndianJNuclMed_2012_27_2_81_110683_u3.jpg

Google bone scan metastasis and look at the images. Terrifying!

Bone scan

I was just looking a bone scan images online. Almost made myself sick with worry. Been feeling uneasy since my nap earlier. I dreamed that a young girl I know died of cancer & I couldn't believe it because she looked so healthy. Then my mom got a call from her friend who was treated for ovarian cancer & it has come back or spread. Makes me want to curl up and hibernate.
Waiting for results is so hard. I always feel very alone. I don't even like telling people I'm having scans done.

Day went like this:
6:30am: mom wakes me up saying "Did you oversleep it's 7:40!" No, it's 6:32! She accidentally got up an hour early.

7:30am: I rush upstairs to suck down some coffee before 7:45 since I'm not allowed to eat or drink after that time.

9:00am: at hospital checking in

9:15am: bone density test

9:30am: nurse accesses my port with no problem, woohoo! Tech injects radioactive tracer for bone scan

10:00am: drink berry contrast
10:30am: drink more contrast

11:30am: CT scan, abd & pelvis
Noon: lunch

1:30pm: bone scan (trying not to laugh as I can see my mom out of the corner of my eye and I keep thinking about funny things like "shadoobie" and "that bird did his business on my front porch").
Done!🙌👊