Mean reds

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds? 

Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues? 

Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling? 

Paul Varjak: Sure. 

Holly Golightly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!

            --Breakfast at Tiffany's

A couple of weeks ago I was stick-a-fork-in-me done. I was writing out instructions for the dog. Lists of belongings to give away to certain people, etc. Very bad day. Ranting about the 5 year survival rate. Worrying about the bill. Sick of medical appointments. Feeling like my life is just wasting away while I wait for the next test results. Hating my arms. It was the pity party to (literally) end all pity parties.

I'm feeling much better now. Making a huge effort to get out and do things. 

I have to let go of those who choose to not be in my life. And I'm sure I've pushed people away. It's all good. I push people away when I'm hurt & I deserve it if they stay away. Then there are people who pop in & out of my life.

Sometimes I even feel hints or glimmers of how I used to be pre-cancer.