Depression

http://www.purpleclover.com/health/4958-10-things-not-say-someone-depression/

Scary

http://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/understanding/what-is-cancer/metastatic-fact-sheet

Why do cancers return?

http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/diagnosis-cancer/Mystery-of-metastasis-Why-do-cancers-return.html?mobi=true

Cancer bond

"...and it’s why I’ve been known to spend Breast Cancer Awareness month snarking with my online cancer pals, railing against the ubiquity of pink ribbons. What, from the outside, can look like a morbid fixation on death, excessive gallows humor and a lack of passion for quotidian happenings is, those on the inside know, just rejiggered priorities and lingering trauma."

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/jun/23/cancer-survivors-bond-grief

PT yesterday

My physical therapist & I are trying to understand why I keep getting the arm infections. She suggested that I leave off the night sleeves every couple of nights. Maybe my arms are getting too hot???

I'd like to go to Chicago for a consult with Dr. David Chang at University of Chicago. He seems to be the best at the lymphedema microsurgery.

http://www.uchospitals.edu/specialties/cancer/lymphedema-surgery/

Tattoo

Got a tattoo today! Wanted it on my toe or foot but tattoo guy said it would fade quickly. Got it on my ankle. My friend got a pink ribbon in her ankle for me! So awesome! Very sweet!

Arm update

It's still huge but not red & angry. I wore my sleeve today. I will wear my night sleeve/wraps again tonight. Still taking abx.

Actually, I felt really good today. Happy almost.

Wow, at that angle it looks like a leg! :-)

Woohoo!

My friend Bridget is here for a visit!! She & her bf drove from NY! It's been YEARS since we've seen each other. I'm so excited! I'm trying to think of fun things to do while they're here. They mentioned hiking so I'm thinking Seidman, Aman, Roselle, or Yankee. I'd like to kayak but not sure where to rent. Definitely want to go to the beach in Holland or GH. Maybe Saugatuck? 

I love how when you see a good friend you just take up where you left off. There's no awkwardness. 

I want them to love it here so much that they want to move here...

Kevin Carter and the Bang Bang Club

Back in 1994 I was made aware of the famine in Sudan. The Pulitzer Prize winning photo by Kevin Carter made it clear how devastating it was for the people of Sudan. Then I heard about Carter's suicide at age 33. His words "The pain of life overrides the joy to the point that joy does not exist..." have stayed with me all these years. He and other South African photographers/photojournalists were part of the Bang Bang Club from 1990-1994. They covered the violence in S. Africa at that time.

Carter was affected by the photo of the little girl and the vulture. He said in his suicide note that he had no money. His best friend had been shot & killed three months before.

https://youtu.be/53bIlmMct6I

Isabella Rossellini

I've always admired her beauty & style.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/isabella-rossellini-style_us_5761bd3fe4b09c926cfe12db?section=

Patient rights

For the first time I really stood up for myself as a patient & questioned the doctor. I told him how the nurses didn't even bother to look at my arm during the night. I asked about the antibiotics I had been given the previous two times because they seemed to take effect immediately. I asked why he thought it had sepsis even though my vitals were normal at last check. I was really angry! I was ready to sign myself out AMA. 

He ended up changing antibiotic to what I'd had before. I felt bad getting so snarky with him but, dang, it's my arm!

So I spent another night there and got home this afternoon. I'm tired and achy but glad to be out of that place and their mean little heparin shots!!

And the blood draws from my feet!

Another arm infection

This time they admitted me to hospital. No one even looked at my arm during the night! The overnight nurse asked if I had any nausea or was passing gas. What does that have to do with my arm infection??!!! The PCA on this am just came in to take vitals and asked if I was able to get up on my own. Why won't they read the chart???? Very frustrating!

Birds

Man, the birds are up early. Geez! All happy and singing. It's nice & all but IT'S STILL DARK OUT! Birds, you are one of the reasons I use a fan to drown out noise. Sing on feathered ones!😄

She's awesome!

http://blog.thebreastcancersite.com/a-survivors-secret-superpower-under-her-clothes-her-tattoos/?utm_source=bcs-bcsfan&utm_medium=social-fb&utm_term=20160613&utm_content=link&utm_campaign=a-survivors-secret-superpower-under-her-clothes-her-tattoos&origin=bcs_bcsfan_social_fb_link_a-survivors-secret-superpower-under-her-clothes-her-tattoos_20160613

Our world today

I was taught in my criminal justice class on terrorism that it is a way to cause fear in groups of people, usually for political gain. It's difficult not to live in fear especially since 9/11. If we give in to that fear and become afraid to live our lives then the terrorists have won without even firing a shot or detonating a bomb.

We live in scary times. I try to constantly be aware of my surroundings. Watch the doors in a restaurant, watch the people in the movie theater. I have no problem with our 2nd amendment right. In fact, I wonder if sometimes the outcome could have been different if one person could have fired on "the bad guy".

The terrorists are not what scares me. I am scared by the ignorance of some of the American people. Our country is becoming more divided by those who are supposed to be in power. The hate spewing from the mouths of a few only feeds the ignorance. The scary thing? It's the fact that people don't think for themselves & then continue the hate.

Enjoyed reading this

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/02/this-is-for-the-tough-days/

Story in pictures

http://blog.thebreastcancersite.com/my-story-in-pictures/?utm_source=bcs-bcsfan&utm_medium=social-fb&utm_term=20160610&utm_content=link&utm_campaign=my-story-in-pictures&origin=bcs_bcsfan_social_fb_link_my-story-in-pictures_20160610

Grant

Woohoo! I was approved for a grant to cover the cost of my Faslodex injections. We can hope that the price eventually is lowered for this drug. As long as it's working I'll be on it for a while.

Mean reds

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds? 

Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues? 

Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling? 

Paul Varjak: Sure. 

Holly Golightly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!

            --Breakfast at Tiffany's

A couple of weeks ago I was stick-a-fork-in-me done. I was writing out instructions for the dog. Lists of belongings to give away to certain people, etc. Very bad day. Ranting about the 5 year survival rate. Worrying about the bill. Sick of medical appointments. Feeling like my life is just wasting away while I wait for the next test results. Hating my arms. It was the pity party to (literally) end all pity parties.

I'm feeling much better now. Making a huge effort to get out and do things. 

I have to let go of those who choose to not be in my life. And I'm sure I've pushed people away. It's all good. I push people away when I'm hurt & I deserve it if they stay away. Then there are people who pop in & out of my life.

Sometimes I even feel hints or glimmers of how I used to be pre-cancer.

https://www.ihadcancer.com/h3-blog/06-08-2016/no-i-am-not-looking-for-sympathy-when-i-talk-about-my-cancer

I'm awake

I'm having a problem going to sleep. My hip hurts. I'm not very tired even though I took my Ativan.

I think I hear birds singing already. Ha ha!

I was going to go swimming if I got up in time.

Injection day

A different nurse gave me my shot today. :-(  Left hip is very sore tonight.

I was stressing about my Faslodex bills but I get to apply for another grant to help pay for the drug. Whew! Gotta drop of some paperwork tomorrow. 

I was thinking I was going to have to ask oncologist for a cheaper option.

Why Finishing Treatment Can Be Difficult for Cancer Survivors

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/10297742.html

Poem

Ok it's in the contest. Very unnerving! 

Clutter

As I wait (waiting waiting waiting) to hear if my breast surgeon okays my further reconstruction I have time. Nuthin but time. Time to worry about medical bills. Also time to have campfires & chop things with friends (I got a machete & am learning how to use it).

So I'm attempting to get rid of stuff. Got a bag going. So the question is how many copies of On the Beach does one really need?;-) I love Nevil (he could be a subject for my "other" blog) but really, I need to stop buying the book when I see it. (Then she put the tablets in her mouth and swallowed them down with a mouthful of brandy, sitting behind the wheel of her big car.).  I look at those darn acupuncture books & know I could sell them but I can't (CAM--look it up or guess). They are a dream I'm not ready to let go of just yet. The Art of Racing in the Rain (Tamburello corner) is a keeper as is Mrs. Mike (eyes so blue you could swim in them), and my hard to find copy of A Very Simple Game about roller derby. I wrote a darn good research paper on derby! Prolly cause I was a form of research myself. I was my "source" & "citation" hee hee!

Ok, trying to laugh more & find humor like my old pre-chemo self. Monkeys seem to be the key:

Cracking up as I type!

Clothes need to go. That Reef or Roxy or whattasurf sundress I've had for eons needs to leave but I've never worn it. I kept waiting for the right time (and for it to fit). Anything long sleeved can go as my freakish arms don't like sleeves and neither do my hot flashes. I tend toward boy short super hero undies these days so anything frilly can leave. Got some cute sports bras...bye bye. I do like my pjs. I buy Vera Wang on eBay & clearance. Got an old pair of pjs with a button up top for when I have drains again (yeah, needs to go). Socks! Holy sock Batman! Nope. Never wear 'em but love 'em from Joy of Sox. Got socks for every holiday.

Boxes of memories I see in my closet. My grandma painted and I have her paintings up there on the shelf. Never going. I see a plastic birdhouse that I know is full of fuzzy little chickens that I got one Easter. The poster of Jim Morrison is up there. Got that gem at college bookstore freshman year. Beast scared the crap out of us when it started to come off the wall. Manolo Blahnik box (yes, box) & my turkey head piece I wear at Thanksgiving. Ahh, I give up. Clothes. That's where I'll start. Easiest to get rid of unless it's the dress I wore as a bridesmaid...

Minnie Mouse

Ok, so EVERYNIGHT I have to wrap my arms. I can do this with padding and short stretch wraps or with bulky sleeves and the wraps. Lately I've just been using the night sleeves because too many pet hairs get in the other wraps. Causes crazy itching! 

So this is a wrapped arm with Minnie duct tape. I had Princess tape for a while.

I hate it! Oh, yeah her cancer is over...whew. Uh, no, it's still lurking plus I have freaky huge arms.

River Phoenix

[I don't want to die in a car accident. When I die it'll be a glorious day. It'll probably be a waterfall. 

River Phoenix 

Profession: Actor 

Nationality: American 

Born: August 23, 1970 

Died: October 31, 1993]

A waterfall. This is a favorite quote. All these years later and it still hurts too much to watch his films... 

A poem

I wrote this a couple of months ago as I was reading again about River Phoenix. I remembered that I had written a poem after he died and I searched until I found it. This is not it. This was (so weird to admit here) just what "popped" into my mind. 

In a paranoid room of our own being

We search for the way out.

The light's so bright and

We stumble to the corner.

There is no smile there to defeat us

And by being all, we are one.

This life reaches and pulls 

But cannot cause loft.

We worry within and without our skin.

Take us there and let us fly.

Lift to the other space and let me breathe.

I'm not sure if there should be a comma btwn all & we??

Originally "loft" was "cough", huh??:)

I want to enter it into a contest, just because why not? Ha ha! But I'm worried about the comma/no comma and formatting.

NED

I have not heard the exact words "no evidence of disease" & I won't call myself that until I do. I read "metastatic" on my CT report and was disturbed at actually seeing the word. That's kind of iffy because it has not spread to liver, bones, etc. The thing is people sail along for years & then one day...boom, recurrence. 

http://nancyspoint.com/still-ned-still-grateful-still-pissed-off/