Ups and downs

 Some days I feel absolutely great and others I can barely function because I'm so tired. I hate this! I want the optimistic me back! I rarely get excited by anything and I feel there is nothing to look forward to. I'm bored. I want to get a job but how can I fit a job in with my appointments? My grandmother might need someone to stay with her and I feel that certain relatives think I should do it since I'm doing nothing. Ah, but my mother never tells them about infections that put me in the hospital; surgeries for new tumors; ER visits for cellulitis in my arm, etc. I'm honestly doing the best I can. It's hard to "live life to the fullest" when I don't give a shit.

I am trying. I thought that since my arms are something out of a nightmare that I'd do other things to distract from the arms. I bought makeup. And sunglasses. And a few cute items of clothing. Sometimes I curl my lashes and apply mascara. I have BB creams, CC creams, serums, eyeliners, blush, concealer, brushes, etc. But I've found that if my attitude says Badass then that's all that matters! Kick-ass jeans with Walmart cushy shoes and I'm a rockstar in my own mind. Who cares about the rest of y'all?!

The bags under my eyes show my fatigue & my age. How is it that guys with eye bags are attractive (see Peter Scanavuno) but women seek to cover?I'm still trying to understand concealer.

Meanwhile my mother's best friend is dealing with ovarian cancer that has apparently spread. It hurts because at the beginning of her treatment she said If I could do it she could too. She said she looks up to me. I wish I could cure her.