Nice

Yes or no

Debating with me, myself & I about whether or not to just stop the antibiotics. Doctors won't answer my questions. I'm developing lymphedema in my right arm because of the PICC. Better to not have reconstruction than to have lymphedema in both arms. I see the infectious disease doc on Aug 5. I hope to have made a decision by then. My WBC is low: 2.8 and I think the antibiotics are making me fatigued.

Ugh, I don't know. Pros & cons list I guess. 

Wrapped my right arm tonight. How's that gonna work???😡

Coping with the pressure to be "over" cancer

Huber needle

This is that needle

PA appointment & port flush

I made an appointment with my PCP and saw her PA yesterday. I talked to him about my fatigue and he had 3 suggestions.
1. Change sleep habits: go to bed and get up at same time every day and no naps (I was laughing inside when he said that).
2. Labs for CBC, thyroid, glucose
3. Sleep study (uh, no)

I also asked if my PICC can be relocated. He said he'd ask my doctor.

Went in for port flush and I wasn't on the schedule. Someone had called a couple of weeks ago to change my time from 2:30 to 2:00 but I guess she didn't put me in the computer. Nurse sprayed to numb the skin over the port but I still felt the needle go in. That's a feeling that makes me want to punch  someone!

Wow! This is it! THIS is how I feel!

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/facts-and-arguments/after-cancer-treatment-i-had-to-walk-away-from-my-life-as-i-knew-it/article25533491/?service=mobile

Lymphedema

Back to PT

I was concerned about the PICC causing lymphedema in my right arm so I emailed my PCP to ask for a referral back to my physical therapist. She said its early stage lymphedema and told me to ask the nurse if we can wrap the arm. I see her again on Thurs. The arm measured 1-2 cm bigger than my first measurement in Sept last year. 

I'm feeling overwhelmed with the puppy, the PICC, my arms...aaaggghhh!

Down

Feeling rather depressed & sad today. Missing Mia. Feeling like this cancer stuff will never stop. Feeling like I'll never be happy again. Feeling completely overwhelmed.Tension at home and I'm always blamed for everything.

Back to not caring about anything, not excited about anything, nothing to look forward to. Lab results still show lower than normal white cells & lower hemoglobin. Tired all the time. I think the antibiotics are making me tired. Wondering if this is all worth it.

But I have him...

I hate these pity parties. I wonder what happened to the person I used to be. I could always cheer myself up. I seem to have lost that superpower. 

Susan Butcher

Susan Butcher moved to Denver from Cambridge, MA when she was 17. When she was 20 she moved to Alaska, 50 miles away from the closest road, to raise and race sled dogs. She won the Iditarod three times in a row before she retired to raise a family. "If I set the goal to win, I expect to win," she wrote. " I do not know the word 'quit,'" she said later. "Either I never did, or I have somehow abolished it from my language."

Sadly I was reading about her in Cancer Today magazine (that I ended up stealing from the radiology waiting room) and found out she died of acute myeloid leukemia at age 51, just eight months after her diagnosis. Her husband said in the article "She lived more in 51 years than a lot of people do in 100."

I'm so anxious to get on with my life without tubes and meds and doctor's appointments every week. I want it to be good.

Everybody looks good

As I was checking in at the hospital for my labs & ultrasound  today I noticed how nice the receptionist (?) looked. Her hair was a great color, she was tanned, short fingernails, wearing a suit. I feel like something sloth-like, rough, and messy. My hair is crappy but I want to grow it out so I have a ponytail to fit thru the ponytail cut out area in the back of my new climbing/SAR helmet (yeah, dumb but I don't care). I wear the same jeans or literally the same pair of shorts, and t-shirts because I'm too lazy to go into my dresser for other things. Had to move stuff to puppy-proof and the dresser is blocked (that's my story and I'm sticking to it!). Scared to shower because I'm afraid to get my PICC wet. Cant color my hair myself because I might get it all over my picc dressing and then I'd have to shower! I pick at my cuticles. I paint my toenails with sparkly polish because then it doesn't matter if I mess it up.  I wear a compression sleeve on my left arm and a stockinette on the right to contain the extension line from my PICC. I rarely wear makeup and have a nice tan on the fingers of my left hand above the compression sleeve. I felt better when the receptionist stood up for a moment and I saw that she was chubby around the middle just like me.
Doesn't matter. I put on my sunglasses and feel like a badass anyway. I'm doing OK.

Ultrasound

The US tech told me they didn't see a blood clot in my arm. That's a good thing but then that means lymphedema. I'll have to find out what the plan is now.
US tech was really nice and kind of explained things. I've never been able to see much on ultrasounds unless it's a kidney. ;-) It was interesting to see the red & blue for the arteries and veins.

Clocks

As I was waiting for an appointment at the infectious disease office today I was thinking about how there are no clocks in exam rooms. They don't want you to see how long you've been waiting.😁

Of course if you are trying to finish a magazine article or have just poured yourself some tea the doctor is right in. Today I was attempting to fill out paperwork to have my records from there sent to the plastic surgeon and it took 3 tries because I had very little wait time. That's a good thing!

My kidney and liver values are good so I'll stay on same Tobramycin dose for now. WBC & hemoglobin are low as usual and I guess the antibiotics can cause that also. I think I'm developing lymphedema in the right arm because of the PICC so I'm having another ultrasound tomorrow to rule out  a deep blood clot. It's lymphedema. I know it is. I know what it feels like.