Lymph node doc

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the surgeon who does lymph node transplants. I am hoping I'm a good candidate for the surgery. I have a list of questions for him. It would be so AWESOME to have a normal sized arm/hand, or at least to have no increase in swelling. I am very self conscious about it and that's not good with 80 degree temps coming up. No long sleeves for me! I HATE wearing compression sleeves during the day because I feel like they make the swelling worse. I'm OK with the night sleeves. I don't mind them and I think they help.

Rollercoaster

This cancer thing is quite the series of ups and downs. I get SO irritated by the Cancer Center commercials on TV! And one of the local news stations always has some story about a cancer patient! Cancer is like the monster under the bed. Sometimes I don't think about it and sometimes it crawls out and I have to face it. I think of those cancer cells still lurking in my armpit area.  I was taking a couple of supplements that I found out were not good for someone with my type of cancer. I panicked and tossed 'em, completely freaked out that I had taken them for 2 weeks and I could imagine the cancer cells rejoicing! I feel pretty good these days. I'm still tired quite often but I'm sure with the warmer weather I'll want to get out and exercise. I have my ups and downs with the whole "positive thinking". There are some weeks when I need to be negative, put it into a low gear and just chill out by myself. I have my pity party and move on.
I tried to explain to my mom about how hard it is after treatment. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief that it's over, whew! But it's not over for me. I deal with it daily. If I talk about it I come across as being wimpy/needy. So when asked how I'm doing it is always " fine".

New foam sleeve

I decided to finally buy another type of sleeve to wear on my arm at night. I got this one from BiaCare for $150. It came with a cotton liner that I put on my arm then the foam sleeve and there's an over sleeve that adds compression.

Upcoming appointments

So I have an oncologist appointment Apr.16 and a surgeon appointment Apr. 17. I am scheduled for a mammogram on the 17th. I see that as kind of pointless since I'll be having that breast removed anyway. I guess it's a check for cancer so I'll do it. I'm anxious about reconstruction. I'm really hoping it can happen but I'm preparing myself for the worst. Then I have to decide if I want to do the lat flap procedure with the loss of some range of motion. Or should I not have any recon and live with no boobs?? I was discussing this with a guy friend last week. I told him that if I can't have reconstruction then I'll get a really cool tattoo. He said "Yeah some of those tattoos are awesome!" Or I could have only the right breast reconstructed. Maybe my skin has healed enough from the radiation and it will be OK...
So...if I don't have recon can I go topless??? Ha ha!

Any suggestions? What would you do?

Critical Incident Stress Management

I went to a CISM class tonight at the Sheriff Dept. It's good to know there are resources to help with stressful incidents after a search and rescue mission. We learned about stress and how it can build up until one event causes us to not be able to deal, kind of a tipping point. The instructor said that 85% of people are "Somebody needs to do something!" and the other 15% are the rescuers.
The instructor also advised that we not look into the eyes of the victim because that will lead us "down the highway into their soul". Meaning what you see there will be imprinted in your mind.
I wonder about CISM with cancer patients (I want to say survivors but don't like that word). I can be sailing along just fine and suddenly have my "tipping point" and I'm off the rails. I have to find ways to deal with my stress. Because I can't send a hot flash to the DHS worker who denied my medicaid, I have to chill out in other ways. ;-) Pets, puzzles, picking cuticles, Paul Walker movies & blog, punching bag...

A Year Ago

A year ago (well, March 8th to be exact) I had my last radiation treatment. A friend gave me a small calendar and I used that to record my rad treatments...to cross off the days as each was completed. I still think the radiation was much scarier than the chemo. The lasting effects still freak me out, mostly the painful areas on my ribcage and right shoulder. My right armpit area was so burned/damaged that I have no hair there. I still rarely use deodorant because apparently sweat glands were screwed up too.

I have stopped looking on breastcancer.org. I have been packing my cancer "library" into a box. BUT I have been researching lymphedema and I have been getting increasingly frustrated that nothing can be done. I try to avoid reading survival statistics (I did that the other day and was anxious and freaked out) because I don't think I fit into the Stage 4 category even though "technically" I do.

Hot flashes and the lymphedema are my main issues now. The hot flashes aren't too bad but they do wake me up at night. I am going to continue my research into the lymph system. I'm still tired and nap most afternoons. I find that I sleep deeper then and that might be due to the timing of my tamoxifen (I take it at night) and because of less hot flashes. If I'm active I have less need to nap so I'm sure exercise will help if I get motivated. :-)
I'm good to go for most activities. I just rest after.
It's still a rollercoaster with the ups and downs but I mostly feel hopeful and want to reach that five year mark.

I took my dog to the vet last week and he wanted to check her lymph nodes. He did a FNA (fine needle aspirate) to gather some cells for viewing under the microscope. He said if he saw white cells they could be from her recent ear infection but if he saw abnormal cells then it could be cancer. I almost cried. I haven't cried in a while. The slide showed some abnormal cells so he wants to do a recheck. He started to explain how chemo is different for dogs. He said for humans they wipe out all cells and its hell on the body. I said " Yeah, I know..."

Lymphedema

These are some of the things I have to deal with since I have lymphedema in my left arm. 
When I first went to the physical therapist (and this last time I went) she would wrap my arm after massaging it. I would leave the wrap on for 1-2 days. 

During the day I am supposed to wear a compression sleeve and glove. This gets annoying because of the glove. BUT if I wear the sleeve without the glove my hand will swell. Each of these costs $90-130. The latest one is pink and I got that one from my therapist.

At night I wear what looks like a giant oven mitt. It's made of polartec fabric with some kind of foam. It was very hard to get used to but now I don't mind it. Sometimes I wear it alone and sometimes I wrap it with the bandaging material shown in the first photo. These JoviPak sleeves are expensive: $400-1000. This one is a sample from my therapist so it probably isn't exactly what size I should be wearing but it works for now. The company makes ready fit and custom sleeves. I am investigating a type of channeled foam that I may be able to use. I ordered it and it should arrive this week.