Thursday, August 7, 2014

Surgery day

So last Wed., July 30, was my right mastectomy, left lat dorsi flap and tissue expander implants.
I arrived at the hospital the night before so my IV fluids could be started at midnight. I had to pee in a cup so they could make sure I wasn't pregnant. Uh, seemed ridiculous since i did have my ovaries removed in that very same hospital...
All was good until I rolled over and pulled the catheter out of my wrist. I then had to endure a very painful poking around in the same area with no luck.
Around 8 am I was wheeled in my hospital bed down to pre-op. There I was hooked up to the "bear hugger" warming blanket; a new IV was started (she used
Lidocaine); I was injected with heparin in my belly; met the anesthesiologist and he assured me he'd do what he could to prevent nausea. My breast surgeon popped in to say hi then the nurse gave me some "happy" drugs.
Wheeled into OR and this time I was awake enough to help them position me on the table. Next thing I knew I was dreaming about animals and someone told me not to rub my eyes. Then a searing pain on my left side but, hey, wait a minute...no nausea!
Recovery room memories: dry throat; pain; intact sense of humor but difficult to crack jokes with a throat like the Sahara; crazy chapped lips; asking for ice chips.

Back in room to be awakened all night by nurses and PCA's. Blood pressure cuff on my lower left leg because of the IV in right arm and lymphedema in left arm. Things squeezing my legs to prevent blood clots; bed adjusting and readjusting itself constantly.
Pushing the call button to ask for more pain meds ("What's your level of pain, 1-10?").
Then at 4 am people rushed in to put protector things on the sides of my bed because they were afraid I'd have seizures because my heart rate went high. Um, of course that couldn't be because I had just tried to sit up and it was crazy painful. Look at my chart for 2 seconds and you'd see I have a normally high heart rate you stupid man! All of the sudden an internal medicine doctor had jumped in. "Does your eye normally look like that?" I got pissed! It was the middle of he night and he had just turned the lights on. I had been lying in bed for hours and hours. How the hell was I supposed to know what my eye looked like????!!!!
" Why are you shaking so bad?" Uh, possibly from the PAIN!

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Aromatase Inhibitor

I saw my oncologist on the 23rd. She saw that the MRI biopsy found cancer in my right breast and that it was estrogen positive. She said "Really? On Tamoxifen?" So she switched me to a drug called anastrozole which blocks estrogen that is produced by the body that doesn't come from the ovaries.
I was looking at the side effects list for
anastrozole and one made me laugh: "May cause decrease in height." What the what??? 

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

This is how I feel about Guiliana Rancic

http://pinkunderbelly.com/2011/12/15/giuliana-rancic/


Giuliana Rancic

I wasn’t planning on writing about Giuliana Rancic’s breast cancer diagnosis in October or her decision to have a double lumpectomy or her announcement  that her double lumpectomy has morphed into a double mastectomy. Much has been written about it, and she’s done the talk-show circuit, and I didn’t feel the need to comment on the latest celeb to begin a cancer “journey.” However, the more I read about her story, the more compelled I am to comment.

First, when her cover issue of People magazine hit the newsstands, it nearly caused me to have a heart attack. I was mindlessly unloading my loot from my shopping cart and putting it on the conveyor belt when I caught a glimpse of this:

I didn’t notice the photo or her name, but was drawn in by the bold yellow headline and wondered, who’s that and what’s she got that is serious enough that she has to fight for her life??? Imagine my shock when I read the fine print and realized that it’s Giuliana Rancic and she’s got what I had — breast cancer. After the shock wore off, I thought I’d better see how serious her diagnosis is; after all, if she’s fighting for her life, it must be bad. I’m thinking stage 4 with mets everywhere.

The article in People, titled “The Fight of My Life,” speaks of her “devastating cancer diagnosis.” I’m thinking this is really bad.

As I read on, though, I learned that her BC was caught early and had not spread.

Whew!

So does this mean that early-stage, non-metastatic BC qualifies one to be deemed “fighting for one’s life”? If that’s the case, what does that mean for women whose BC is not early stage and has spread?

This kind of overwrought journalism really bugs me. I know that People has to sell mags, but good grief, how about a little truth in advertising? The cover story of  “I’M FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE” in big, bold letters nearly caused me to stroke out, and left me thinking I really underplayed my BC story. My cancer was in both breasts, not just one, and I never declared that I was fighting for my life. I’m thinking I seriously mishandled this.

I’m certainly not one to kick a sister when she’s down. That’s not my intent at all. I wish her the best; I truly do. Cancer is a terrible thing, no matter what age or what stage one is when diagnosed, and I certainly don’t mean to give Rancic grief — she’s enduring enough of that as is. However, I do wonder about some of the comments she’s made. I was hoping they were taken out of context, but ….

She said that the double lumpectomy didn’t get all the cancer so she was moving forward with a bilateral mastectomy, and I totally support her saying that deciding to have a mastectomy “was not an easy decision but it was the best decision for me.” Agreed. But when she went on to say  “Not only can it [mastectomy] save your life, but you can come out feeling healthier and with a positive self-image”

Really?

Ladies, raise your hand if your bilateral mastectomy left you feeling healthier and with a positive self-image.

Come on, show of hands.

Anyone? Anyone?

Maybe I’m the odd girl out, but the process of lopping off my breasts certainly didn’t make me feel that way, and 18 months later, it still hasn’t. I’ve talked to more than a few BC gals, and never once has the topic of feeling healthier or having a better self-image come up. Not once.

On The Wendy Williams Show the other day, Rancic spoke openly about her surgery and how she thinks it will affect her: “Listen, I love my girls, but I’m gonna feel more like a woman when this is all done.”

“I’ll be able to say that I survived something major and it’s made me stronger. I will be a better woman for it.”

 Oh boy. More like a woman and a better woman. Yikes.

I hope she’s not setting herself up for a very big, very traumatic fall.

Rancic went on to say that “scars are beautiful. I think scars tell a story.”

Yep, there’s a story there all right. Millions of women can attest to that. There is most definitely a story there. Hopefully not a horror story.

I wonder if she’s seen any images from The SCAR Project. I was blown away by photographer David Jay’s shots the first time I saw them, and receiving The SCAR Project book is one of the best gifts ever (thank you, Trevor). The women are beautiful, and their strength and kick-assed-ness is beautiful.  The scars, not so much.

thescarproject.org

thescarproject.org

thescarproject.org

thescarproject.org

Giuliana Rancic speculated of her breasts after reconstruction: “They might come out looking even hotter. You gotta have fun with this. We find the humor in everything. Bill helped pick ‘em out. I’m like, ‘Bill, that big? Really?’”

They might come out looking even hotter.

I’m gonna have to linger on that idea for a minute.

And when I’m done, I will contemplate the damage that occurs when people say things that imply that facing breast cancer is a tidy event that requires surgery and treatment then fast-forward on to the happily ever after. While the happily ever after certainly can, and does, happen, I think it’s misleading to say that BC is something you deal with and move on. The idea that after cancer comes transcendence is flawed. The idea that all you have to do is wrap a big pink ribbon around a cancer battle is flawed. The idea that everyone comes away from breast cancer a better, stronger person is flawed. It’s not that easy, it’s certainly not pretty, and it doesn’t always result in the kind of change you would consider positive.

In speaking of Rancic’s mastectomy, her husband Bill said, “Our goal is to be done with this by Christmastime and not look back. We’re taking the rear view mirror off the car and we’re not looking back, because we’re going to be done.” Well, considering she had the surgery two days ago, and is still in the hospital, I hope she’s “done” by Christmastime. It’s good to have goals.

Maybe the whole cancer thing is still too fresh for me, too raw, but the idea of not looking back is weird and foreign and borderline incomprehensible. Maybe there’s a pair of magic “don’t look back” glasses that gets passed out upon diagnosis, and I missed out on that. I can see how that might happen as I’m always in a hurry and might have scooted out of Dr D’s office before anyone had a chance to give me the “don’t look back” glasses. Or perhaps I was supposed to get them from my oncologist, but was so freaked out by the fact that I have an oncologist that I ran out of his office before I got the magic glasses. Maybe Giuliana got her glasses in advance; one of the perks of being a celeb and having cancer. Personally, I don’t know how one can experience a cancer “journey” and not look back. I hope it works out for her.

Giuliana is definitely on the fast-track. She says, “I hope for a full recovery by New Year’s Eve. We’re planning to be in Times Square!”

If any of y’all are going to be in Times Square for New Year’s Eve, look out for Giuliana. And be sure you don’t bump into her. Those mastectomy scars and JP drain holes take a while to heal.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

More waiting

I had an ultrasound yesterday. The US tech couldn't find the area. The radiologist couldn't find the area. SO I have to go back in on Wed. the 18th for an MRI guided biopsy. Never had one of those. I'm not even bothering to research it to see how it's done. I don't even care.
Feeling very sad and very alone...

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Weird side effect?

I noticed last night that both of my armpits are peeling! Scary! 

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

MRI result

Apparently I have 6mm "spot" in my right breast that hadn't shown up before. So I get to go in on Friday for an ultrasound and possible biopsy. I got the news on Mon. and it really sucks to have to wait a week. Then I'll have to wait for results...
I've had a biopsy of the lymph nodes on the right side. That was an unpleasant experience with some sort of spring-loaded biopsy tool and one more scar.
Here's hoping that it's nothing...

Friday, June 6, 2014

MRI

I had an MRI today. It was actually in a room and not a mobile unit (semi truck trailer) like the last time. Ha ha! As I was lying on the table having the catheter for the contrast dye put into my arm, I looked out through the skylight and...gasp!...I could see a huge construction crane. As if the entire thing wasn't already causing anxiety...now, there was a crane that could topple at any moment and kill me! I had to go into the machine on my stomach so at least I couldn't see the walls closing in on me. They provided headphones and music but really, there's no point because the incessant jackhammer noises don't stop for more than a few seconds. The MRI took about 20 minutes and it wasn't too bad. Next time I'll take the earplugs instead of music though...